new years

i remember them so well
the new years
where i was
what i saw
at exactly 12:00 midnight
2001-02
phoenix arizona
it was a bit chilly
the horns and firecrackers went off
id gone to bed at 9pm
lights out, covers up
i could hear them
their happiness, their screams
their paper hats and horns
new years eve completly terrifies me
life knows nothing of years

once the horns had stopped
and the firecrackers no longer
it began to rain
and i thought to myself
i will never understand man
but i have lived it through

1:47

today i got to thinking
how meaningless one is
when there are just so many
what does it really matter?
theres always another
but i speak of such
because i am alone
there is no one to let down
or say goodbye too
i just listen to everyone
and everyone they know
as i keep to myself
random nights in random cities
puts it all into perspective
i am a man of music
i am a man of words
but also silence
as my good friends continue down the road singing
"to be one of us is a blessing"

i must admit

i must admit
this feels pretty nice
all i can hear is the wind passing my ear
its quiet and cold
and i like that.
i like watching trucks pass on interstate 80
i enjoy they're company
they just never stop coming
and i like that.
laying here wide awake, i begin to smile
as i hear the trains in the distance
sitting by this fire keeps me warm on the inside
as i look on from the outside
its times like these
i realize what life is all about

so stay warm.

my mouth is always closed

i was sitting on my couch
my mouth was closed
i though to myself
how lonely ive become
i went out for a drink
and saw a beautiful woman
i sat there for an hour
thinking of something beautiful to say
but my mouth remained closed
speechless, as usual
i gave it some time
too much time
and i ended up walking out
more alone than i felt before

nothings changed...

im gonna die alone
i promise

october

this is my second favorite month
october
finally a breeze
kids trick or treat
i am a new man now
yet, i dont feel any different
a little more tired, perhaps
a little more drained
but i remain looking forward to december
it is my favorite month
i can take another drive down hayden
listening to the kinison
its cold in december, and i like that
i can see the lights around me
and feel better about feeling so cold

both are pretty damn lonely..

then and now

i think its sad when i see these people
who always have someone theyre with
even right after the last one
and on and on again
i've been this way for so long
i dont think i'll ever stand next to someone
if theres an open space i can stand alone in
you will see me there
if only your eyesight was not as bad as the rest
because i am alive
but nobody says much to me
they tend to walk right by me

i am

i am a writer
i am a musician
music is the world and life
nothing more nor less
but words, are all i have
i write for no one but myself
i do not write sadness
i write feelings
i write truth
i am a man, and i dont think twice to tell my stories
my words will outlive me
and when they do
maybe someone will care then
maybe then, someone somewhere will understand
whats its like
because this world is so fucking beautiful
its just more enjoyable when your not in it alone

i love the sky and the trees
i love rain and city streets
i love people watching
i love watching the world go round
all while never even opening my mouth
there is something bigger than me and you
and all the beauty we see
whether we realize it or not
i dont know what this is
but i have the hope and faith in it
that it will save my life